What am I talking about? (many people have asked that) I am talking about every slowpoke, dickhead, useless, brain cell non-functional driver in South England who decided to try to remember how to drive on New Years Eve. And all of whom failed dismally and did it in front of me.

Obviously this was the one night a year when ‘Delegated Driver Posse’ sided with the ‘Drive-Whilst-Pissed Crew’ to totally bollox London’s traffic. And oh how well they did! Their intervention and interaction with my journey both to and from London has definitely strengthened my resolution to keep my chainsaw blade sharp at all times.

However I did actually reach Club Wicked before 2004 dawned. I was late though. At least I should have been since the pre-party meal was destined to start at 20:00. But in shades of most restaurants nowadays I guess, due to problems both inside the kitchens and outside ‘hiccups’ the meal didn’t actually kick off much before about 21:30.

Whilst not normally moved to wordifying con gusto over any food available at London club venues, I have to admit that I was more than impressed with my meal. The starter was a superb combination of goats cheese, finger toasts and rocket with balsamic vinegar while my main course was a beautiful chicken in cheese sauce with assorted vegetables including the most succulent braised red onion I have had in a long time. I also blagged some of Mistress Tiffany’s asparagus and parmesan and damned good that was too. A bottle of a nice Australian white topped it all off. I did order a dessert (Blood orange torte) though I was a-whooping and a-hollering the New Year in, when it arrived. And some thieving git ate it for me before I got back! The guilty will be found and de-genitalled.

The meal was a great pleasure for me as I had the luck to be seated opposite the good (indeed some might rightly say excellent) Mistress Tiffany. Whilst not only being a damn attractive woman dontch’a know, we turned out to share a particular interest. We’re both splosh fiends. Whilst not exactly reaching the point of stripping off and rolling about in whimsical abandon amidst the remains of the meal, it was fortunate that I had attended complete with a tin of Tia Maria flavoured squirty cream. It was suitably applied and utilised. Thank you Anchor products for making my evening!

Returning to the arrival of New Year, it appeared to descend 3 times over a period of about 5 minutes. Obviously it’s logged arrival depended on different time pieces in different parts of the venue. But I can’t say I minded. What better reason is there to go round kissing every available female (and the occasional TV/TS) ? And praise be to whosoever wants praise, nobody thought it necessary to sing Auld Langs doodads. Everybody present, please accept my heartfelt thanks! If it was merely an oversight - Good, lets keep it that way next year too can we?

As normal for Wicked events there were two distinct groups on hand with a bit of overspill and cross border forays. There were the movers and shakers on the Cyber zone Dance floor and the binders and the floggers in the Arches. The normal array of play equipment was on hand for all and sundry to flog in the New Year. In fact 2004 should go down as well and truly flogged in, forget your first footing more like your first frotting. As the event progressed, the General and lady Caroline circulated and pressed the flesh in their normal manner, making both old and new visitors welcome. And there were, it seemed many new members. I do wish that more of them however would do some rudimentary research into bdsm/fetish etiquette so there would be less need for the occasional on the spot compulsory basic training to take place.

As an aside, I was surprised how many people seemed to have noticed my terribly understated appearance on both the Men & Motor’s Erotica 2003 programs. Sadly however no money was pressed into my grasping hands, perhaps this year.

The evenings events included a cabaret show (angle grinders ripping sparks out of people being part of it. I want to see this done with chainsaws!), some other stage acts which, being a short-arse, I didn’t see properly but at one point looked for all the world like a bizarre balloon bending show. I wandered away at this point just in case I was right. There were also a couple of suitably attired stilt walkers, the theme being science fiction. One of whom could have done voice-overs for the Telly Tubbies and I shall let that rest there.

Several regular Mistresses were in attendance though most seemed to be in holiday mood and hardly drew a scream of pain from any male body present. Mistress Natasha did find however that a chain mail bra as well as being heavy is also rather chill. Enter IceCreamMan and his other ‘interesting’ gift of exceedingly warm hands. As someone said to me “How come you get all the good jobs?” My answer, “Simple, it’s having the bottle to ask”. Being an old perve also seems to help.

As the evening continued I actually forwent one of my previously held edicts and rose to a challenge. A particular guy offered himself up and said he wouldn’t be hurt by anyone flogging him. Perhaps his generous bestowing upon me of the epithet “Bastard” meant he was wrong and I had. Ah such a start to 2004.

Back in the dance area the floor was crammed the entire night and I freely admit to only lurking in the corner as a respite from the hedonistic excesses I had been partaking of back in the arches. I eventually rolled out at about 03:45, got home at about 04:30 to a triggered burglar alarm and 4 dogs all blaming each other. I have sensibly kept out of the way of my neighbours for a few days.

It was a magic way to see in the new year. I had not intended to step outside the house that new years eve, but I am glad that I did. I had a good time and I think most others did too.

And hereabouts I shall adopt authors privilege and wish a Happy New Year to All the Wicked Crew, The General, Lady Caroline, Mistresses Absolute, Natasha, Debbie, Tiffany, Lizzie, The two Jonathon’s and all the other regulars and not so regulars at this and all the London and Kent venues that I frequent and enjoy. All the very best for 2004 be it pervy or otherwise. And finally to quote a very dear friend of mine - er - it was something or other deep and meaningful - I just cant remember what it was right now!