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From the office of The President; General Communiqué - March 2008

Well the big news is that I proposed to Ginny on Valentines Day at the back of the Hackney Empire Stalls and she said ‘yes'. Oops. We have not worked out a date yet, but next Summer seems likely, and it's likely to be big, and kinky.

Our next big event is Detention, which takes place at Chats Palace 42-44 Brooksbys Walk, Homerton, London E9 on Saturday 19^th April from 7pm until 1am. LCPS has now got its own profile on Informed Consent: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/p/LCPS1986/

The London Corporal Punishment School is widely believed to be the most inhumane educational establishment in Britain. But there's worse things than six of the best off teacher! If you get caught by a rival gang, you could find out what trouble really is. We can now confirm that there will be a book on the boxing match, and that certain students are trying - much against the rules - to form a rock band. Once more the forces of discipline are pitted against the champions of delinquency in a fight to the finish.

Advance tickets are on sale at £15 each, which is a mere 75% of what we are charging on the door, so it really does make sense to buy in advance. Please note that although Paradiso have generally stopped selling tickets they are still selling the Detention ones, so don't believe anyone that says otherwise - even people that work in the shop - ask for the manager, she knows.

The next two Phoenix schools will be at the Purple Turtle on May 10^th, and June 14^th.

The Catholic Church has invented seven new mortal sins, and they deserve listing: Environmental pollution, Genetic manipulation, Accumulating excessive wealth, Inflicting poverty, Drug trafficking and consumption, Morally debatable experiments, and Violation of fundamental rights of human nature, which seems fair enough, especially since the Inflicting Poverty bit is going to make sure Margaret Thatcher goes to Hell, but Archbishop Girotti, who seems to be the author of these, also named paedophilia as one of the greatest sins of our times. The archbishop brushed off cases of sexual violence against minors committed by priests as "exaggerations by the mass media aimed at discrediting the Church". So all that stuff about kiddy-diddling priests, nuns, Christian Brothers, and all other sorts of abusing zealots, the kids all made that up, right? Bollocks.

Blue Frock Bloke was back again this week. His high spot was demonstrating how God can kick someone in the crotch and give them Cancer of the Ovaries (which is not a nice thing for a god to do). Since he seemed quite lucid, friendly even, when telling me (informally) about his discovery of the true location of Mount Sinai, I am beginning to wonder if he might just possibly be taking the piss.