Twinkle is Britain's first online agony pervert. She knows all the problems - and how to extract the answers! Send your vexations, conundrums, questions and queries to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Dear Miss Twinkle,

I have been married for several years, but am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with our vanilla sex life. My wife would never be into any kinky stuff though - she's a very normal average person. Can you recommend any professional dominatrices in the South London area that I could visit to satiate my perverted desires?

No, I am not going to recommend any pro dommes to you. Sort out your marriage before you start complicating matters by looking elsewhere.

You are obviously submissive by nature - bring some of this into your marriage by showing some respect to your wife. I don't know you or your wife, but I do know there is no such thing as a 'normal average person' - your wife is a Goddess, you just haven't discovered this for yourself yet.

If you are losing interest in sex, chances are she's bored silly by all your fumblings as well. TALK to her, ASK her to go on top, hold your arms above your head and tweak your nipples while making love, or whatever turns you on. Fantasise out loud and encourage her to join in. Buy her a vibrator (jelly feel, multi-speed is best, perhaps not a willy-shaped one to start with) and offer to use it with her. Sex, especially kinky sex, is more than physical intimacy. Sex between loving people can and should be a meeting of minds too.

If you want to learn how more, I do recommend a book for you. 'Sensuous Magic: A guide for Adventurous Couples' by Pat Califia www.patcalifia.com (Masquerade Books; ISBN: 1563336103). It's currently out of stock on Amazon www.amazon.co.uk, but I bought my copy in Borders www.borders.com in Oxford Street, so it might be worth a try there.

And by the way, it's MS Twinkle to you.

My partner and I want to be photographed in our rubber gear but are too embarrassed to go to our local high street photographer - he seems to specialise in weddings and babies.

Try any of the photographers in our photo gallery pages, contact details are under 'information' - or invest in a digital camera, they're great fun!

Dear Ms Twinkle,

My mother recently came to stay, and one day I got home from work to discover she'd done my washing - including the rubber butt plug pants that were in the bottom of the laundry pile. I'm too ashamed to ever speak to her again! What should I do?

Your mum - the woman who practically split herself in two giving birth to you and washed sick and shit off your butt and babygro for god knows how long - is not going to disown you over this, so why should disown her? She was only trying to help!

There are two possibilities here - she didn't know what it was, in which case she's probably none the wiser; or she DID know what it was, in which case she's probably reading this column herself and is frankly, a pretty cool mum.

Either way, you'll be fine just carrying on and not mentioning it. Incidentally, to any over-enthusiastic house slaves reading this, machine washing is NOT advisable for rubber butt plug pants - or any other rubber.

I have somehow ripped a hole in my Skin two catsuit. Can I repair it and how?

Assuming it's a rubber catsuit, unless you are a dab hand with a bicycle repair kit, I wouldn't recommend tackling the job yourself.

But the good news is Skin Two www.skintwo.com do a very good and reasonably cheap repair service. They are based at:

Unit N306, North Block,
Westminster Business Square,
1-45 Durham Street,
London SE11 5JA

The showroom is open Fridays and Saturdays 11am to 6pm and Mondays to Thursdays by appointment only - call first on 020 7840 0146.

I'm interested in getting in to the gay SM/fetish scene (I'm straight but curious). Do you know any good clubs?

Apparently many of the best men's clubs are men-only, so I've no personal experience (the drag king outfit still needs a bit of work).

I'm told the Hoist www.thehoist.co.uk at Vauxhall is the place to be, but I recommend you check it out on the third Thursday of the month, when SM Gays www.smgays.org meet there.

Also FIST gets pretty wild, I've heard (see PoPo Chan's review).

Check out this personal website: Peter Boot's Gay Leather Fetish SM Guide to London public.diversity.org.uk/guides/london . He's actually a New Yorker but he knows London pretty well.

If you're 'straight but curious', you may be interested in SM Bis as well. They have monthly meetings in London, on the second Sunday of every month at 8pm (7:30pm for the newcomers' introduction meeting), or at Central Station for discussions and workshops on SM related subjects.

Ms Twinkle