How to look fabulous, keep smiling, and meet the partner of your dreams

Well I can't guarantee any of the above, but at least I've got your attention.

As your favourite Agony Perv, I've received loads of mail regarding the SM Pride weekend. Questions have ranged from "should I go?" (Of course you should!) to "Will I be jumped upon by a great big Dom with a whip?" (Only if you want to be, darling!)

So, as a public service, and because the boss isn't looking, I've put together the LFS Essential Guide to SM Pride, in the form of Twinkle's Top Ten Tips for Newbies..

1. Do come. It's not scary, it's fun, and it only happens once a year. I promise you, the effort is worthwhile.

2.Leave your prejudices at home. My kink may not be your kink, but who are you to judge me? This a celebration of all things pervy (safe,sane and consensual of course), so while you might not be into everything that's going on, try to appreciate that others are.

3. Dress up. There is NO dress code at all. But if you like dressing up, especially on the march, it's a great opportunity to freak the vanillas and tourists in broad daylight while taking advantage of the "safety in numbers" aspect. But...

4. Wear comfy footwear. The march is quite long, and although those stiletto thigh boots do look wonderful, you don't want to pay the price later by your big toenails dropping off (this has happened to me, and it's no fun at all). No wanky men in sandals though, please!

5. Disguise yourself. This one is for those who really don't want to be identified. We NEED you on the march! Wear a hood or mask and you won't be recognisable, but you'll have still been a public presence.

6. Don't plan on nipping home. Once you've come out, you're out for the day. There is plenty going on all day until midnight, so you won't want to miss anything by having to go home to feed the cat. Bring with you any clothes you want to wear later, or better still, find an outfit that will last from the march, through the Pervefest, to the Ball.

7.Take plenty of money. Folding or plastic, you don't want to regret not getting that tickly little flogger, or that amazing bargain rubber top. Pervefest is the time to splash out on unusual and hard-to-find items, and don't forget a few quid for beer later!

8. Talk to people. An obvious one to us oldtimers, but newbies can make friends too. Most stallholders, if not busy with customers, will have time for a chat. The workshops are there for discussion, not speeches. If all else fails, LondonFetishCrew members will be easily identifiable, so you can always talk to us!

9.Leave your swastikas at home. We know that some people like to play Nazi games at home, but SM Pride has banned Nazi emblems, so if you don't want to be chucked out, leave them out.

10.Read the SM Pride website. It's got all the details, and any late changes will appear there. Print off directions and take them with you.

Hope to see you there!