|One sure-fire route to dommely success must be to find a mentor...It would be fascinating to eavesdrop on a conversation between Dotty and her chosen role-model... |
What makes a Domme – is she born or bred; nature or nurture? I was mulling over these weighty matters while on my way to accompany Mistress Feral and Bill to the Gate last week. Late as ever, having spent 15 minutes extricating myself from a conversation with a straight-laced Kiwi regarding her 7-year old nephew's preference for wearing his sister's clothes. Hmmm, I thought, I'm sure I wasn't like that at that tender age – youth of today – they have it all!
Back to the plot. The Gate is a warm and friendly club, loved by many experienced players. Not so many of the 'dress to impress' brigade – people go there for a purpose.
But how does our aspirant - let's call her 'Dotty Domme' - all fresh and eager, (with her dommely juices in full flow having lapped up 'Mistress Manual Volumes 1 and 2') really learn the ropes and unlock her darkest desires and gain experience?
How to behave when confronted with her first real live sub? How to lure him into her spider's web – to become her plaything, to be used and abused? To recreate her childhood, and the innocent pleasure she found from tearing the legs off a daddy-long-legs one-by-one, till it could stand no more? Then starting afresh with a new victim, removing the legs in a different pattern…
One sure-fire route to dommely success must be to find a mentor, or ‘agony-aunt’ in older parlance. No doubt this is how the previous generation of dommes passed on 'the knowledge'. It would be fascinating to eavesdrop on a conversation between Dotty and her chosen role-model over a period of weeks:
My sub is sartorially challenged – he is beginning to embarrass Me in front of My dommely friends - what can I do about him?
Ban him from all charity shops, Dotty. Likewise Tesco home'n'wear and Asda mix'n'match. Send him some proper fetish catalogues. If all else fails, you'll just have to drag him around the shops by collar and lead, naked but for his flexible friend.
How often should I beat My sub?
Whenever you like, Dotty, it's as simple as that. Never feel pressurised into thinking you need an excuse. If he's been bad, then he's earned it. But even on the rare occasions when he's good, you must beat him to remind him of what bad behaviour leads to. And with due respect, Dotty, if you don't practice regularly on a live sub your aim and tempo will begin to waver – teddy bears just aren't a decent substitute.
How hard should I beat My sub?
An easy one, Dotty. As hard as you like. And then some. If he's asked to be beaten he must remember that this is no walk in the park on a sunny afternoon admiring the daffodils and feeding the ducks. He must writhe under the pain – otherwise what's the point? You have to discover his limits if he's to respect you. You look a sensitive girl, Dotty – the old sayings are the best "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you." It's for his own good, honestly.
My sub talks too much
Such a common complaint, Dotty, and I'm sure it's all gibberish! With many subs, fear will bring on an attack of the ‘verbal trots'. But I'm not here to make excuses for your sub – be firm; get a gag; introduce some rules; and don't forget to beat him!
My sub has a failing memory – what can I do about it?
Amnesia affects many subs, Dotty, in various ways. Often they find it hard to remember rules. Painstaking training might work – introduce one rule at a time and make sure he's mastered it before moving on. Never write them down, though – that way you can always subtly modify them at a later date, just in case he thinks he's got the hang of them!
Where should I beat my sub?
That’s rather an open question, Dotty, though I think I see where you're coming from. Well, almost anywhere will do but do bear in mind that he won’t be fully clothed. Be a little wary of parks and other public places - the Circle line may sound great in theory but harder in practice. A wise move is to take a film crew with you to add an air of respectability – many colleges will happily supply a group of students on their final year creative arts project (and, Dotty, just think of all the potential for finding new virgin subs!).
No, what I meant was where on the body?
Ah, that’s an easier one, Dotty. You’ve mastered the rump and now wish to expand your repertoire? There’s just so much target area out there! Did your gran ever have a Mrs Beaton domestic bible? I remember mine had a lovely diagram of a male beast, labelling all the fleshier parts and the juiciest cuts.
Well, underneath it all, the male sub isn’t that dissimilar to beef cattle – just steer clear of the skeleton and the vital organs and you can have a whale of a time. Those often neglected parts, especially the nooks and crannies, mark so much more readily than the traditional rump. Your sub will be beside himself with gratitude! Most males are complacent about their appearance – you’ll get such a vicarious thrill from knowing he won’t notice those red cane weals on the underarm until one of his buddies remarks on it when he’s next at the gym!
My sub seems to be ticklish – is this normal?
Some are; some aren't, Dotty. But if he is, then your opportunities for torment and torture are at least doubled, you lucky girl!
My sub has taken to wandering around the dungeon when I want him close to heel, to serve My every whim
Beat him, Dotty – and don't forget the dog lead next time. A blindfold is also effective, especially if you bind his legs together – he'll be petrified of moving around for fear of what he might stumble into!
If you're still prepared to invest time in him, use this to kick-off the psycho-analysis. Start with an interrogation scene, bound tightly over the whipping bench. Drill deep to establish the reasons for his wanderlust – why could he possibly not want to stay by the side of his Dungeon Queen? Does he feel unworthy?
Is he terrified by the sight of Mistress flailing her other subs; or their Hound of the Baskervilles impressions as they scream for mercy? Perhaps he's simply embarrassed by his body odour? Or maybe he thinks he's being helpful by cataloging new ideas for Mistress to use to torment and torture him? Try this technique, Dotty – you might be amazed by the answers!
But how can I know if he's telling the truth?
A tricky one, Dotty. Some subs will be so over-awed in your presence that they'll just give you the answer they think you want to hear. Encourage him, by judicious application of pain, to be open and trusting – you must break down the barriers to honest communication. Or take a leaf from those 'personality test' questionnaires – fire the same question at him in many different guises (not forgetting to ratchet-up the pain) until his guard drops and he cracks. Your local Relate counsellor may have some helpful tips on interrogation. But all this takes patience, Dotty, and many dommes prefer just to go balls-out with the pain solution.
Should I give My sub a choice?
This is a no-no, Dotty – in the early stages you take all the decisions and he obeys. Simple as that. But as his training develops, you can throw in a few choices - which piece of dungeon equipment, cane or paddle, 12 strokes or 24...? Or present him with a real dilemma – out to play this evening, or stay at home slaving away at his LFS Review ‘homework’? And when will he realise that you're simply monitoring his submissiveness – waiting for that point when he begins to answer to please his Mistress, casting aside his own base desires?
If you have time, you might probe his wrong answers. "Why did you choose this well-used whipping bench instead of that lovely big wheel over there?" He might mumble about having no head for heights. Or he might turn red as a beetroot and squirm like an eel and say that he's so fond of it because it was there that he first met his Mistress. Is he just trying to appeal to Mistress' softer side? I know it's hard for a new domme to tell, Dotty – you'll have to work on your interrogation skills.
My sub sometimes runs away when he sees Me – what am I doing wrong?
You're doing absolutely fine, Dotty, but 'fear and guilt' is at the root of his behaviour. This is a powerful negative emotional cocktail and one of the rare occasions when it might pay to feign compassion, Dotty. Deep down, he craves his next encounter but needs just a little nudge over the immediate psychological barriers. Make appointments at short notice – less time for the negative thoughts to fester in the maelstrom of his mind. Or send shopping lists to keep his mind occupied during the waiting period "....and just what would Mistress want sandpaper for? Ah, got it – she'll just want to smooth down those knobbly canes – how very sweet of Her." And of course make it abundantly clear that if he does a runner, then his next session really will be the one to remember.
My sub is showing exhibitionist tendencies – should this worry me?
Not at all, Dotty. BDSM can bring out the strangest of personality traits once you scratch beneath a sub's surface! It could be that he's just so proud of his Mistress and knows that she works best with an audience – how cute, to see him suffering just for you! Perhaps he's a masochist at heart who finds it easier to handle pain in front of others. Or deep down he's a coward and foolishly believes he won't be punished so severely when in public. Dotty, this is another case for interrogation - and remember to sharpen your talons before scratching!
But My sub now seems to like being beaten – this can’t be normal?
Indeed it is, Dotty. Eventually he'll crave and yearn for it even more. But if you've trained him well, Dotty, it won't be any old sort of beating – it'll be your particular style of torture that he hangs out his tongue for (now, where did I leave those red clothes pegs!).
My sub’s gone awfully quiet!
Are you sure you've removed the gag, Dotty, and that he hasn't swallowed it? If so, then congratulate yourself – you've at last got through to him! Or he might have tripped off to sub-space for a while.
Help! My sub’s gone into orbit – what should I do next?
Two options, Dotty – the slow controlled re-entry, or the more explosive version. Personally, I favour the short, sharp, shock treatment as it's so much more fun. Fire and ice complement each other - candles, sparklers, ice cubes can bring him down to earth with a bang and no parachute.
I give up! - I dressed My sub in My stockings, thinking this would humiliate him – but now he just seems to enjoy it
Don’t despair, Dotty. That’s a very positive sign – he’s beginning to appreciate your female supremacy! Think positive – imagine the fun you can have beating him if his seams are crooked. Be creative - suspenders are ideal for securing to his nether regions sparklers, nettles, small furry rodents, snails and other goodies, so you concentrate on beating him black and blue. But just make sure he buys his own stockings – they’re never the same after a male limb has stretched them, and the hairs are so difficult to extract.
My sub has begged to be Caned in Unusual Places – what can he mean by this?
Please be more specific, Dotty – what sort of places?
Well, at the time he was looking wistfully up at the top of the Millennium Wheel.
That’s a bit advanced, Dotty, and you’d never finish a good caning in one revolution. The London Dungeon might be an easier starting place. But why not begin with Unusual Places closer to home – didn’t you take my earlier advice? Give him a bit of variety – the soles of his feet would be a great treat for him – they’re just so sensitive. Or you could try his upper arms – they’ll mark so much faster than his rump. Or one of my all time favourites – the inner thighs – he’ll be so embarrassed by the bruises ‘down there’.
My sub’s a bit remote – but I want him to think of Me every day
This is not his lucky day, Dotty. You must really overload each session to ensure his physical mementoes last till next time. Verbalise your intentions: “This batch is for tomorrow, here’s Monday’s……and that’s for Friday week!” Look on the bright side, Dotty – look forward to punishing a whole month’s worth of misdeeds in one session.
The other evening in the dungeon I noticed my sub getting frisky with another domme– should I be concerned?
Fret not, Dotty, this is entirely natural sub-behaviour – a primeval instinct, rather like a dog running from lamp-post to lamp-post. Deep down, your sub’s just a little insecure - he needs to benchmark the competition to reassure himself that You are the greatest. He’ll hold his head up high as he limps into a gathering of his subbie chums and proudly boasts “My Mistress is ten times tougher, crueller and more sadistic than yours – and I’ve marks to prove it!”
But you clearly can’t condone such behaviour – it’s a slippery slope. You must exert your dominance over him – take him to one side and ask him to explain himself. And then beat him. Harder than ever before. He’ll come away with increased respect for you.
But he’s done it again –that's twice in one month!
That’s not so good, Dotty, especially without asking your permission! You could brand him with your name. Or, as a less invasive measure, get him a collar tag made up saying “Property of Mistress Dotty – if found, please thrash severely then return to owner”. A more extreme solution would be to book a gelding session – and make sure you’re there to watch – but that does tend to have longer term implications.
How can I tell if My sub worships Me?
You’ve got me stumped, Dotty – I'm not a clairvoyant. You'll just have to work that one out yourself.
And so our Dotty skips off to the dungeon, her confidence boosted in a way that no Wonderbra can achieve. But spare a thought for our poor sub – he won’t know what’s about to hit him!