“Hello Mr Rude-Boy...”

“Hello Ms. First-Timer…”

“Have you heard of Killing Kittens?’

“No – what is it?”

“Well it is a sex club I read about in Marie-Claire”

“Oh! That will be a group of unattractive couples meeting up for a wine and cheese party... With the social interaction confined to the weather and how difficult it is to find a baby-sitter?”

“Well Marie-Claire says it is really good – women trust Marie Claire and it is written by WOMEN!!”

“Yes but... no but… swingers parties are usually couples meeting up where 2 opposing halves might fancy each other but the other 2 halves don’t – so one partner ends up having to do a ‘care in the community fuck’ to keep everybody happy!”

“Well Marie-Claire says that girls get to make the rules and that is it very girl friendly – and the article turned me on... and you are the only Rude-Boy I know. Will you come with me?”

[Correspondent goes to website http://www.killingkittens.co.uk/ and can’t get in because he isn’t registered… and realizes he may not hold the reins at this gig – the homepage has something about “…girls being in control” and having to send profile and pictures for vetting]

Mr Rude-Boy calls Ms First-Timer back… “Well OK… you fix it up, I will come along out of curiosity… worst that can happen is that we can do some people watching and shag without having to sacrifice either of us on the altar of “please can you do the ugly one with BO and acne – so I can get off with the attractive one…”

“…Oh and don’t send a picture of me that shows my bald patch!”

“Hurrah! I’ll book a wax now”


The ‘hiding the bald patch’ photo of us taken by a Japanese tourist in the Mall evidently worked!!

F-T and R-B were approved and found themselves; preened, shaved, waxed and perfumed on one of the hotter nights of the year hunting for the venue in central London (our hero didn’t let on that he knew it anyway – in its daytime guise as a boy’s only sauna).


Rude-Boy confidently led the way into the den of iniquity…

…to be confronted by a very pleasant woman on the door who checked off our names, took our money and motioned us into a funky bar area with cool tunes, appropriately lit, sexy ambience, sushi, champagne and groups of attractive, well-dressed people chatting…

… We searched for the wine and cheese, the ghastly people and the reluctant swappers… none… but there was a large Jacuzzi, steam rooms, sauna, a couple of rooms with beds and some darker corners…

It was quite exciting! Ms F-T was enjoying champagne and giggling whilst cynical Mr R-B was scanning the scene…

… most fairly confident, a few wide-eyed with terror at the prospect of being in a SEX club, well-dressed, affluent, age range (they all look so young these days) 20s to 50s majority late 20s and early 30s I guess? Easy small talk, giggly nervousness and anticipation… and yes more girls than boys…

…Mr R-B reached out to give F-T a reassuring hug at the bar...  returned by a wiggle and naughty grin which indicated that a sensual rush was working its way though Ms. F-T.


… The Jacuzzi was where it was all going to kick off… so our intrepid pair did a few circuits of the venue... and yup! Some naked couples bobbing in the bubbles… snogging but not much else…

Time for Rude-Boy to show what he was made of…

Clothes discarded (carefully stashed by Rude-Boy who didn’t fancy going home in someone else’s stripy shirt and one sock) our heroes skipped into the deep blue... and joined the other pink people bobbing around...

… Someone has to start not sure who it was... but First-Timer was not far off it… the Jacuzzi was further stirred by its full capacity of writhing occupants (it is BIG)…

…as for Ms F-T she loved enacting some long-standing fantasies, decided she did rather like doing THAT to girls, enjoyed asking other girls if they would like deal with Rude-Boy from time to time, got 2 boys to kiss, got lost wriggling with naked bodies and decided at the end that she WILL be going again next time; Rude-Boy or no Rude-Boy to hold her hand…

Rude-Boy was happy and spread the word the he had found “The coolest club I have been to…” to anyone who would listen… he got some funny looks and one person even asked “Do you have a Nectar Card?”


Killing Kittens is a well-run and cool club.

I love the philosophy: “The men are merely tools! Like moving dildos really! We are elitist hence the vetting, which is done by gut instinct and newcomers are watched to ensure we haven’t let any male predators through the loop!”


Check out the website for the next party…


Oh! The meaning of Killing Kittens: it is from the expression ' “every time a woman masturbates - God kills a kitten”

by Rude Boy (who retains copyright) 


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